Control

My mom asked me the other day, “What is it about having another baby that’s so bad?” And I didn’t really have a good answer. She said it was that it wasn’t in my plans, and that’s a part of it - a big part, even. But there’s something more. There’s something about it that made my faith fall and threaten to shatter into a million pieces, and I can’t place it. 

I think I feel like God failed me, which, when I think about the circumstances, is weird. Over and over again I’ve heard from well-meaning mouths, “Oh, well God just wanted you to have another one!” or “God must have special plans for this one/you.” We’ve had surprise pregnancies before - 3 others, in fact (a whole other post). But, with those, I could clearly trace back to some little - or big - thing that could make it my fault (don’t worry, no details forthcoming). This time, we crossed all our t’s, dotted all the i’s. Hubby had a vasectomy. He had a 6-month test. Test came back negative. One month later, I’m pregnant (although we didn’t know for another few weeks). This is weird because this was the time I thought *I* had it all under control. I wasn’t relying on God to not get pregnant, I was relying solely on my decisions. All those other times, when I made mistakes, that’s when it was “up to God” to stop it, right? This time, I was saying, “We got this! No worries, it’s all under control here.” 

But this time, it’s either a mistake from the doctor, or God who made it happen. Or, most likely, both - God used a mistake from the doctor to give us Jordan. I had to stop after writing that, and smile at His ways. He gave us Jordan. After we decided on the name (after she was born), my dad told me that the Jordan River is symbolic of obedience in the Bible. Jesus was baptized there, an act of obedience. The Israelites crossed the Jordan River in obedience to go into the Promised Land. So, God gave us obedience when we were trying to control our life. And, once we accepted obedience as the right course of action, we were blessed. (more on her name later, it's good stuff, if I do say so myself)

I look at her now, peacefully sleeping, and wonder why I did think it was so bad. And I remember times when she’s screaming, the 18-month old is trying to pat her too hard, the 3-year old is yelling and fighting with the 5-year old and the 8-year old is yelling “STOP FIGHTING!” in an attempt to help. All those times when I feel like the stress of this many kids is going to swallow me whole. All those times when I look around and think simply, “I can’t do this.” But that’s what He wants, isn’t it? He wants me to turn to Him and say, “I can’t. You go ahead.” 

I guess, again and again, it comes back to who is in control. I have to rely on God even more now. I don’t have the resources for 5 kids. I don’t have the time, patience, or money to do all that I want for my kids. So, I have to turn to him and let Him take care of them. Which is what He was wanting all along. I was mad because I wanted to handle life without needing Him. I wanted to manage, like I had been, struggling with my 4, but doing so on my own (and by on my own, I mean, me and Scott). I didn't want to have to rely on Him. Me in control. My plans, my work, my reward. Apparently, God has more for me. HIS plans, HIS work through me, HIS GLORY, His blessings. I keep forgetting that this life is not about me. It’s about Him and what He wants and His glory, not my plans or my control or my ability to handle things. So, maybe Mom was right ... at least a little bit. ;) [love you, Mom!]