I Need to Apologize

Thanks to a Facebook comment from a friend, I realized I need to make an apology about my negative attitude towards Christians and The Church, particularly the American groups of those.

I didn't realize I had been negative, so when she called me on it, I was a little shocked. I knew that I have been disenchanted lately, and upset lately, but I didn't think I had been overly negative. I wondered how much of my negativity has been on Facebook or other public scenarios, and how much of it had been on my couch. Did it even matter? So, I began to think: Is there a deep negativity inside me towards Christians?

As I introspectively brushed my teeth, I realized, yes. Yes, there is something there. And I realized it was anger. I am angry. I am angry that I was nearly 30 years old before I realized that Jesus wasn't a Republican (that's embarrassing to admit). I didn't think that Jesus was literally a Republican, but I believed if He were alive today, He would agree with the party line (that's not less embarrassing, but maybe more understandable?). I am angry that I spent so many years thinking that the only clear way to heaven was through a Southern Baptist doctrine, and that I thought I was very progressive for thinking that other denominations could go to heaven, but they'd have to not really believe some of their doctrines (that's embarrassing to admit). I'm angry that I spent years believing that bad things happen to people because of something bad that happened, even if I never articulated it into thoughts. I'm angry that I thought myself better, more intelligent, than the Calvinist who told me that aborted babies would fulfill their predestination, but tried to shrug off my conscience when I wondered how God would send entire people groups to hell because they'd never heard of Jesus (again, embarrassing). 

I thought and thought, and while there are a few individuals I'm angry at, the first and foremost is myself. I am the one who cobbled together those beliefs. I am the one responsible for the conclusions I made. 

I thought, "What is my goal when I share things like this or say things like that?" I know that my ultimate desire is to remind Christians of our origins of loving God and loving people. I want people to see Jesus the way He represented himself - as a servant, a compassionate man, a lover of all people.When people think of Christians, I want them to think less and less of people like Pat Robertson and Phil Roberts and more and more of people like Jen Hatmaker and Pope Francis. But, do my methods match my goal? 

Very quickly, I realized, no. My methods this week were exactly the method that I find so bothersome: post something on Facebook, and pretend it tells the world something they didn't already know, that they desperately need to know (do I even need to say it? that's embarrassing to admit). Worse yet, read something quickly, think, "Yes! That's what I think, so it's obviously right!" and post it, hoping to enlighten others and bring them to your way of thinking (wow, really embarrassing).  I guess old habits die hard. 

So, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry to have acted that way. Furthermore, I'm (obviously) embarrassed that I acted like such a tool. If that post, or any other even remotely negative post of mine offended you, I apologize. That was wrong of me. I'm still going to work to promote love for all people, and a Christianity that focuses on Jesus and his methods and actions. But I will not do so with anger and negativity. 

It's exactly what irks me about many "movements." Some Christians try to reach and convert gay people by telling them that God is sending them to hell. Some Atheists try to convince Christians by humiliating them with language they don't understand. Some anti-vaccine people try to convince the mainstream by calling them "sheeple." Some medical folk try to convince anti-vaccine people by calling them "Dr. Google." Has this method ever worked? Have we completely forgotten the phrase, "You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar"? I'm ashamed and very sorry for playing a part in that.

As with any hurt, I can't promise I won't react out of anger or hurt or embarrassment. But I can promise to do better, to try harder. That's all I'd ask of anyone else, and that's all I'll ask of myself. I have always felt like the main reason for writing this blog is to struggle publicly. To say, "You're not alone." I've felt a need for this for mothers, for Christians, for teenagers, specifically, but really for everyone. Part of that has to be admitting my faults and wrongs, and asking for forgiveness. That goes with the territory of making the struggle more public. So, that's why I had to write this. I could have apologized to my one friend alone, but I wondered if she was just the only one to confront me about it, and I wanted to make this part of my struggle available for all to see. 

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I'll do better. 

Another Conspiracy About Frozen

Warning: Spoilers! (if you live under a rock or something, haven't seen it yet)

Most of you have, by now, heard that Frozen is not a beautiful film about real true love, but it is, in fact, a huge marketing ploy to make our children gay.

First off, I believe those people are entirely welcome to their opinion. I believe that we all bring our own bias to everything we encounter. We interpret these things through the lens these biases give us. If you're hyper-focused on how homosexual marriage is ruining America, you'll see gay propaganda. If you're struggling in your faith, trying to sort how the religious zealots claim to worship the same God who keeps telling you to love, you'll see a similar struggle.

So, if we're going to throw around theories that are entirely based on our own biases, I have a new one for Frozen. 

Elsa's curse is religion.

It's important to note that I'm saying religion. Not a denomination, not a belief, or faith, even. Religion. To me, religion is the rules, the specific doctrines that separate us into factions, the "shoulds" and "should nots." It's the thing that causes us to think we are the only ones who could possibly be right. In short, I think Religion is of the devil.

Near the beginning of the movie, Elsa was just trying to help her sister with her powers, and inadvertently hurts her. If we're honest with ourselves, most of us, at one point, have tried to help someone with our knowledge of their sin, or what they need, only to actually hurt them.

When Anna is taken to the trolls to be healed, Grampa Troll says, "You're lucky it wasn't her heart. The heart is not easily changed, but the head can be persuaded." [this is probably my favorite line in the entire movie]. This is how Religion affects us, when it's deeply entrenched in ourselves, when it's become a part of who we are, it's so hard to remove the negative parts of it. If you take religion, and bury it in your heart (not love, or Christ, but religion), define yourself and your worth by having chosen the right one, it's hard to separate the Lover of the Soul from that Religion. If Religion is just something in your head, it's easier to release, although still difficult. He also tells her that her power has beauty, but that it can hurt as well. I was not shocked by Young Elsa's fearful response. I was shocked by her parents' response though (well, except for the fact that it pushed the plot along). Why did they only see the bad? Why didn't they just teach her to use her powers and control them? Encourage her? Provide safe limits? So many times, Religious parents think that all they have to do is shelter their children, and they'll be safe. Yet, the sheltering itself can hurt, as we see for both Anna and Elsa. Anna leaps into the arms of the first person who accepts her, and Elsa shuns everyone. Our Religion can have different effects on different people. We need to teach and show our children how to work things out about their beliefs. Show them reliable places to look for answers; show them our struggles. We can't rely on others to show us how to define our own beliefs. They don't have our biases. They can't tell us how to think. We've got to figure it out on our own.

When Elsa realizes she "can't control the storm inside," she runs off to be alone, and revels in the beauty her curse/power can create. While it may be harmful to other people, she benefits from her powers. She abandons her community, before they have the chance to abandon her. She realizes it's a part of who she is, and if she has to be lonely to be true, then so be it. I've felt this. I've thought about how I don't want to hurt people with my faith or my Religion (when I was unable to separate the two), so I'll just keep it to myself. If it doesn't hurt anybody else, and provides me with comfort, and the ability to see beauty in a desolate place, then that's enough for me. Still, I sometimes don't let people in, just because I'm sure they'll shun me because of the faith, or lack of faith, I hold inside. I run to my hiding place and say "the cold never bothered me anyway" - I don't need them.

Then, when Elsa sees she hasn't escaped the curse of hurting people, she gets angry and sad, loses all control, and hits her sister right in the heart, accidentally. When all we know is religious rhetoric, and we that's all we have to allow us to relate to people, or to help them, we are unable to actually help them. We can only hurt.

Then, there's a search for true love, which is not in all the places Disney previously told us it would be. In fact, it's found when one person offers her life for another's. Hmmmm, where have I heard that theme before?

Suddenly, Elsa realizes the key to controlling this power is love. She unleashes her love, and uses it to temper her power. When she does this, she is able to use her power to help people, but she's not a slave to the power itself. She can hold hands with her sister again. She's not afraid to touch people for fear of hurting them. She can have relationships. She's no longer lonely. Oh, this! When we let Love temper our Religion, we take it from a big, powerful Proper Noun, and make it into a common noun, religion, available to everyone (can't help it. I'm a linguistics nerd). When we allow Love to flow outward and inward (because Elsa accepts herself in this moment as well), we are not lonely. We don't have to be afraid anymore. (is anybody else singing?)  Now, we can actually help people.

And, the bad guys in Frozen?

The bad guy in the story was not the one who was struggling, but the one who was greedy and deceptive. We see all along that Elsa doesn't want to hurt people. When Hans shows us his true nature, suddenly we see all his actions for what they were. ("I've found my place" ugh! jerk!) If only we had noticed it earlier!

The minor bad guy was the one looking for sorcery and evil, determined to find it even when it wasn't there. (side-eye at people who see gay propaganda in children's movies)

Oh, oh, oh! Have you heard of the huge hit song "Let It Go"? You know, the one with the line "be the good girl you always have to be"? Yeah, there's no way you can convince me that that isn't about being a good, little Christian girl. (Side note: when she lets go of that, she gets to wear cooler clothes! yes, they happen to be more revealing. big deal if you ask me! just more proof, honestly. "I don't care what they're going to say!")

Do I think any of this crossed the creators' minds as they brought Frozen to life? Perhaps. If they've had similar experiences to mine. At the same time, a gay person might think of when they decided to come out when they belt out "Let It Go" in the car. Or, someone who was abused could think of when they finally escaped their torture and chose to move forward. A creator may have felt the words of that song rang true for any number of reasons. That's sorta the point of music, and even movies, to an extent.

Obviously, this isn't going to be a perfect allegory. Mainly because I made it up.

We will always see what we look for. 

Do you have any other crazy interpretations of Frozen?

Coming Out...

I saw these two images this morning:

From The Federalist Papers

From Human Rights Campaign

So, I decided it's time for me to "come out," so to speak. As a Christian In Support of Gay Marriage. First, my reasons:

1. Our country, and our government, is founded on freedom. It is NOT founded on any one religion, despite what many Christians seem to believe. Our Constitution guarantees that all people have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. What's unwritten is that these guarantees are true regardless of the individual's beliefs, race, or sexual orientation. As a whole, we believe this phrase applies to all races now, although 150 years ago, you would hear much of the same argument we're hearing today. Simply, I believe in our Constitution, and I believe our Constitution would allow these rights to all individuals (with the obvious exception of protecting children, which, if you're interested in, I'll give you some resources for in a minute).
2. Aside from marriage falling under "the pursuit of happiness," do you realize that there are countless other issues that these couples must face?

• Homosexual couples are often denied the right to visit each other in the hospital, even with domestic partnership laws. A woman here locally was not allowed to have her partner with her while she was experiencing a miscarriage, and we have domestic partnership laws protecting that. Regardless of your dogma, a person should be able to have the person who loves and supports them the most in their time of need. 
• Employers are required to allow sick leave to take care of a spouse or family member. Individuals could lose their jobs by choosing to stay home for their partner. 
• They would  lose out on any financial benefits they would normally receive if their partner dies. For married couples, even without a will, the spouse gets many benefits automatically. 
• Taxes become incredibly complicated and expensive.
• Lots of things are more expensive: from legally changing your names to renting a car.
• For more, go here.

It's inhumane to deny consenting adults these things, regardless of your religious views. Martin Luther King, Jr, who is, I believe, one of the best preachers of our time, also said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." 

Even if you disagree with my politics, here's one thing you can get behind: There are people, children, dying of disease, starving, and/or forced into slavery, including sexual slavery. Why are we wasting our time sticking our noses in other adults' personal lives, and not batting an eye at all the injustice in the world? 

I love these lyrics from Tenth Avenue North's song, "Losing": 

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?

We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought

But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground

We build our bridges up but just to burn them down 

We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop

But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not

The line that says "We build bridges up, but just to tear them down" - I thought it said, "We build bridges up, but You're tearing them down." I like that better. 

Christians, if you hear nothing else I say today, hear this: Hate will not change anything for the better. Love will. 

It doesn't matter if you believe homosexuality is wrong. What I'm saying is that it's worth it to protect all people's freedoms. Also, there are so many other things you can be spending your time and energy on that truly help people that need you. 

If you're interested in taking a stand against evil today, or any day, consider loving "the least of these."

Excellent organizations:  

• Compassion International  - "You can release a child from poverty in Jesus' name." There are many other child sponsorship groups; choose the one you're most comfortable with. I chose Compassion so that we could write to, and receive letters from, our sponsored child.
• A21 - "We exist to abolish injustice in the 21st century." (focuses on human trafficking)
• YoungLives - "In Young Life, we have the privilege of extending Jesus Christ’s love to kids as they are, where they are. For high school and middle school girls who are expecting or are raising a child on their own, that love takes the form of a program called YoungLives."
• Three Square - "55% of children in [Clark County School District] are enrolled in free and reduced-price lunch programs based on their income." Or, your local shelter. (Our church partners with Three Square and a local middle school to provide food to families in need. It's really amazing to see.)
• The Cupcake Girls - In Nevada and Portland, Oregon, they provide "non-judgmental support, consistent caring, and messages of faith, hope and love" to women working in brothels or the adult-entertainment industry. 

Some simple things you can do:

• When you buy chocolate or coffee, choose Fair Trade Certified. (More info, with videos for you auditory learners!) It's great to buy Fair Trade whenever possible, but these are two of the worst industries when it comes to enslaving children. 
• Love and support the people around you: the mom that's having a hard time, the newly widowed, the child who needs a little more attention (yours or not), the person struggling with their faith.
• If you can't make a donation of time or money, just "like" these groups on Facebook. Share their images and statuses, and make people aware that these things are happening. 
• Consider how you think and talk about people who are not like you. Is it loving? See here and here. 
• Stop. Being. Judgmental. (particularly about things that don't matter much) There are very few people in your life that you to whom you have the right to be judgmental. Pretty much just close family and close friends. These people may benefit from you pointing out something they might need to work on. Basically, if you wouldn't feel comfortable telling them they need to exercise more, you shouldn't feel comfortable telling them to change or believe something else. 
• Extend grace to all people - starting with you - your kids, your spouse, your friends, random Facebook people, that blogger, even that crazy politician from "the other side."

These are just a few options. What charities do you support? What do you do to make the world a more loving place? 

P.S. You're welcome to disagree with me respectfully. All comments must be approved before they are published. Hateful language will not be published. Respectful disagreements will be. Imagine you're at my house, talking with me, our friends, and my LGBT friends before you write. Because, basically, you are. :)

(Edited to add: I do think, however, that churches and clergy that do not believe gay marriage is right in God's eyes should not be forced to perform these marriages. I believe that should fall under freedom of religion.)

All The Things! Christian-style

In church Sunday, a few Sundays ago, the pastor said that he sat down once and listed 130-something things that he felt were pressing on his time. He was teaching about abiding in Christ, and learning to focus on being with God more than doing for God. 

I decided to make my own list, of all the things I've felt that I should DO as a good little Christian girl. Some of these things I've long since gotten over, and some still hit me hard. Some I still believe are worthwhile. All of these things I truly believed were God's truth at one point or another in my life. I heard them from various people, and I am not in any way saying this list reflects anyone's thinking but my own. They were all received from different places, and mixed together in my head. Amplify some of these by 75% because I felt like pastors' wives needed to do these things really really well perfectly. I'd challenge you to do the same, and evaluate what God really is asking of you.

1. Listen to Christian music ONLY. (While I would never have said these words, I always felt guilty changing the station to a secular one.)
2.  Read my bible every day morning. If it's not in the morning, it's just not good enough.
3. Give to the needy, but only through the church.
4. Pray over my children and my husband.
5. Memorize scripture.
6. Never swear. Not even when you stub your toe so hard that you break it. 
7. Don't drink alcohol. That stuff that Jesus served at a wedding was really just juice. 
8. While I was never told not to dance, the church I had my wedding reception at didn't allow dancing (see above video, start at 1:25 for both). I'm still pissed about that. I didn't get to dance with my husband or my daddy. At the time, I accepted it (grudgingly). 
9. While we're on the Duggars: Don't use hormonal birth control. (I know, I know, 5 kids, hahaha, joke's on me.)
10. Get married in a church, even if you would love to be married outdoors, where you feel like God's physical presence is just beyond your reach and every thing you can see cries out for a Creator. That's not good enough.
11. Don't wear a two-piece bathing suit.
12. Don't wear short shorts
13. Don't wear tight clothes.
14. Don't show cleavage. 
15. Basically, take the responsibility for the possible sins of any male in your vicinity. 
16. At the same time, be sexually available to your husband whenever he wants, or at least very often. Also, this should be an instantaneous transition on your wedding night.  
17. Be a stay-at-home mom. (I'm a SAHM now because I want to be, not because I have to be, which is why I enjoy it.)
18. Wear dresses to church on Sunday.
19. Go to church at least 3x/week. 
20. Don't consider staying home from church just because you don't want to go.
21. Do daily bible readings with your children.
22. Do everything the Proverbs 31 woman does. And do it well.
23. Volunteer in the nursery/VBS/children's church/youth group. 
24. Make a casserole every few weeks for another family. 
25. Use my talents for God (singing, writing, kid-slinging, pie-making, whatever). 
26. Don't make out with boys.
27. Don't even think about making out with girls, for that matter. 
28. Invite every person at church to your birthday party. That's what Jesus would do.
29. Don't do anything that might cause someone else to stumble. ANYTHING. (see 10-15)
30. Wear Christian t-shirts to school. (What, are you ashamed of Jesus? No, that shirt is just ugly.)
31. Tell everyone - EVERYONE - about Jesus, whether they want to  hear it or not. 
32. Go on mission trips. 
33. Go door-to-door evangelizing.
34. Don't complain. 
35. Don't worry. 
36. Don't be scared. 
37. Fast occasionally, without letting it be known. (Unfortunately for me, I am like a freaking psycho if I don't eat. Seriously.) 
38. Don't ever refer to God as anything other than male.

I could probably go on for days. I made a serious effort to not put down things that other people tried to convince me to believe, but I never did (like no birth control at all, believe it or not!). 

I'm realizing that this is my problem. My problem is religion. My problem is the rules and regulations without the love and relationship.

The pastor said that, as Christians, we talk about these "seasons of life" that we just have to "push through." That's exactly what I've been trying to do, for months years way too long. Just push through. Just check off the things on the list, and someday, somehow I'll find my way back. Instead, he said, we need to approach God and His Word with the goal of just abiding in Him. To just BE with God. To set aside the academic and your hang-ups, and to just sit with God and enjoy His presence.

That has got to be my ticket back. I can't fight my way back. I can't push through my doubts. I can't check the things off my list and hope for the best. But, I can rest in His presence. I can BE who I am - doubts, failures, insecurities - and just BE with Him. This is how to get my head and my heart engaged. Sitting in God's presence will lead me to some of my answers, but more importantly, it will restore my heart. My heart feels dry and parched. It feels like someone who's been carrying a large burden through the desert. That burden is these rules, this religion. How did I miss that the first step to rehydrating is drinking from the Living Well? When Jesus first spoke of Living Water, He was talking to a woman who had been hurt by religion and only expected the worst from Him - a religious man, and He blew her expectations out of the water.

That Sunday, I felt like I'd been that dusty wanderer, wandering through the desert, a huge pack on my back, covered in sweat, and staring out at all these different possibilities, different paths to take. Not knowing where I was really headed or how to get there. This pastor said, "Here, look. There are tons of paths around here. All you have to do is follow this guy. Don't worry if you don't know the way yet. That's ok. Just take your time, and hang out with him, he knows this place like the back of his hand. And, hey, while you're going, enjoy the journey, have fun with your guide, he's pretty cool."

I turn to my guide, and he holds out his hand, and says, "Here. I'll take your pack. You just carry this water bottle. Have some."

Jesus said his yoke was light, while ours is heavy. I have to believe he was talking about religion - The Law. "Give me all your rules and checklists. That's all too much. Here, take mine, all you have to do is BE near me. I'll tell you when I want you to do this or that, but don't worry, you'll know." How have I been missing this all along? I've been in churches all my life that claimed to be "New Testament Churches," but I still felt bogged down and judged for my behavior and my choices, even small, simple things that are likely no one else's business. (Side note: Your pastor's kids are just that. Kids. And Not Yours. Please, stop them from running into traffic, or hitting your kid with their shoe, but don't tell them what to wear or how to think or what music they should like.)

I'm off to find joy in the journey, by just hanging with my Guide.

Also, you can go here to download the image below, which has been hanging next to my computer for months. Go figure.